A little bit of what they should have said. A little bit of what I would have said. Some specific characters. Some general… Mainly me procrastinating on my other writing 🙂
Heroine: I think you should know I am not interested in a romantic relationship.
Love Interest: Your thoughts will change by the end of our adventure.
Heroine: Eh, no they won’t. But I need you around in case we need a sacrifice so I’ll play along.
***
Ned Stark: Cat, there’s something I need to tell you about Jon. About who he really is… It might come in handy in the future. It might also appease some of your jealousy.
Everyone: No!
Theon: Why is everyone yelling at me? I haven’t done anything yet.
Everyone: Whatever you are thinking about Theon Greyjoy… do the exact opposite.
***
Heroine: Are you ever going to tell me the truth about my father?
Mother: I think he was a Demon.
Heroine: What?
Mother: Or a bad fairy or an evil warlock or possibly a fallen God. Definitely bad though and if I ever disappear one day that’s probably why.
Heroine (Shocked.): Is this a joke?
Mother: Don’t judge me! I was in love… and be careful who you sleep with.
***
Spiritual Guide: You’re the Chosen One you must come with us to save the Universe.
Chosen One: Yeah, that’s not going to work. I can’t exactly call in sick and say oh, I’m the chosen one got to go save the universe. Bye!
Spiritual Guide: But the universe needs you…
Chosen One: The universe needs to manifest money in my bank account for books, food and rent. Then we can talk.
***
Dumbledore: Harry you’ve proven yourself brave and loyal. There’s something I need to tell you.
Harry: About why Voldemort hunts me? About what happened to my parents? Why I can talk to snakes? Why you left me to the Dursley’s? Why you keep Snape at the school? Why you have some really questionable hiring practices?
Dumbledore: I’ll write a note to your teachers. This is going to be a long talk.
***
Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall show me the Paris collections. I need a dress for the ball.
Prince Charming: The clock struck midnight and she ran from me! It was so very confusing. I thought she was into me!
Captain: Maybe she had digestive troubles.
Prince: You think?
Captain: Or maybe your breath…
Prince: What?
Captain: Nothing my Prince, nothing!
***
Main Character: (Shouting at the sky.) Do you really think this needs to be a series? I think I can kill the evil King in one book! Anything else makes me look kind of incompetent.
Sidekick: Who are you talking to?
Main Character: Never mind.
***
Amren: Can you get me out of here? Anymore of this lovey- dovey crap I’m going to lose it and start tearing off wings!
Lucien: Aren’t you loyal to Rhysand?
Amren: He’s practically a puppy at this point. She’s got him house-trained.
Lucien: Lets go then!
***
Rhysand: Was that the greatest sex of our lives? I mean much better than five minutes ago! We just keep topping ourselves!
Feyre: Actually I think you’re starting to bore me.
Rhysand: What?
Feyre: Well there has to me more to this mating bond than sex right?
***
Mirror: Maybe you want to try some alternatives before killing the nice Princess? I know a guy in Hollywood calls himself the King of Botox.
Evil Queen: A King?
Mirror: There we go!
Little Mermaid: Are you crazy? I’m not going to give up the most important things I have- the things that make me who I am to go live with some ridiculous mortal!
Ursula: Huh?
Little Mermaid: I’m going to kidnap him and make him live amongst us!
Ursula: There’s hope for you yet.