A little bit of what they should have said. A little bit of what I would have said. Some specific characters. Some general… Mainly me procrastinating on my other writing 🙂
Heroine: I think you should know I am not interested in a romantic relationship.
Love Interest: Your thoughts will change by the end of our adventure.
Heroine: Eh, no they won’t. But I need you around in case we need a sacrifice so I’ll play along.
***
Ned Stark: Cat, there’s something I need to tell you about Jon. About who he really is… It might come in handy in the future. It might also appease some of your jealousy.
Everyone: No!
Theon: Why is everyone yelling at me? I haven’t done anything yet.
Everyone: Whatever you are thinking about Theon Greyjoy… do the exact opposite.
***
Heroine: Are you ever going to tell me the truth about my father?
Mother: I think he was a Demon.
Heroine: What?
Mother: Or a bad fairy or an evil warlock or possibly a fallen God. Definitely bad though and if I ever disappear one day that’s probably why.
Heroine (Shocked.): Is this a joke?
Mother: Don’t judge me! I was in love… and be careful who you sleep with.
***
Spiritual Guide: You’re the Chosen One you must come with us to save the Universe.
Chosen One: Yeah, that’s not going to work. I can’t exactly call in sick and say oh, I’m the chosen one got to go save the universe. Bye!
Spiritual Guide: But the universe needs you…
Chosen One: The universe needs to manifest money in my bank account for books, food and rent. Then we can talk.
***
Dumbledore: Harry you’ve proven yourself brave and loyal. There’s something I need to tell you.
Harry: About why Voldemort hunts me? About what happened to my parents? Why I can talk to snakes? Why you left me to the Dursley’s? Why you keep Snape at the school? Why you have some really questionable hiring practices?
Dumbledore: I’ll write a note to your teachers. This is going to be a long talk.
***
Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall show me the Paris collections. I need a dress for the ball.
Prince Charming: The clock struck midnight and she ran from me! It was so very confusing. I thought she was into me!
Captain: Maybe she had digestive troubles.
Prince: You think?
Captain: Or maybe your breath…
Prince: What?
Captain: Nothing my Prince, nothing!
***
Main Character: (Shouting at the sky.) Do you really think this needs to be a series? I think I can kill the evil King in one book! Anything else makes me look kind of incompetent.
Sidekick: Who are you talking to?
Main Character: Never mind.
***
Amren: Can you get me out of here? Anymore of this lovey- dovey crap I’m going to lose it and start tearing off wings!
Lucien: Aren’t you loyal to Rhysand?
Amren: He’s practically a puppy at this point. She’s got him house-trained.
Lucien: Lets go then!
***
Rhysand: Was that the greatest sex of our lives? I mean much better than five minutes ago! We just keep topping ourselves!
Feyre: Actually I think you’re starting to bore me.
Rhysand: What?
Feyre: Well there has to me more to this mating bond than sex right?
***
Mirror: Maybe you want to try some alternatives before killing the nice Princess? I know a guy in Hollywood calls himself the King of Botox.
Evil Queen: A King?
Mirror: There we go!
Little Mermaid: Are you crazy? I’m not going to give up the most important things I have- the things that make me who I am to go live with some ridiculous mortal!
Ursula: Huh?
Little Mermaid: I’m going to kidnap him and make him live amongst us!
Ursula: There’s hope for you yet.
Oh my gosh this is awesome. Love the Main character one. Chosen One too. Makes me think of Han solo needing a little financial inducement to rescue Leia (I know he’s not a chosen one but that popped into my head when I read that). 🙂
And Ned/ Cat- man if there was ever a case to be made for marital communication (!!) that might be it? Imagine all the stuff in A Song of Ice and Fire that could be avoided through (honest) communication…
Right? I know people have a million theories about what she would have done if she had known (usually people who don’t like Cat) but I think it would have been so much different! I mean regardless even if Cat knew the truth no way she could have proven it on a large scale. Ah, so many Thrones theories!
LOL….just LOL!! You and Bookworm Drinketh are my heroes!! Cheers, Brian.
Thanks 🙂
This are hilarious and awesome! Love them! My favorite might be the chosen one. Made me laugh because I’m re-watching Buffy with my 13-year-old daughter and at one point she was like, where does she get her money for a house and food? So hilarious.
Thanks! I grew up with Buffy (the show and the awesome film) so I do admit I look at a lot of YA books and heroines with a very Buffy filter 🙂 I hope your daughter enjoys the show!
She’s a big fan. She has a prized “Stay calm and save Sunnydale” t-shirt she rocks often. 🙂
That’s awesome!
Evil Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall show me the Paris collections. I need a dress for the ball.
😂😂😂😂😂
What a great idea for a post! These were super fun to read!
Thanks!
The universe needs to manifest money in my bank account for books, food and rent. Then we can talk. – I felt that.
So glad I gave up on the ACOTR series after one book. What in the 50 shades of Grey.